Very Best Mama

Three days ago I turned 35.

It might not be a traditionally *milestone* birthday but for me it was a big one. I never really dread my birthday and I was even excited to turn 30 but for some reason 35 had/has been weighing on me. I woke up on the 30th of June closer to 40 than 30 and while there are many things about my life I am so grateful for, there are a lot of areas that are just not what I envisioned or dreamed about.

There is a famous John Piper quote that says, “occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be.” There have been seasons where I really needed that permission and while I think that life can certainly throw curveballs that cause our plans to go off the rails, it is also important to be reflective and honestly assess where you need to grow, or take responsibility.

Another famous quote that comes to mind is from Jim Rohn who once said, “if you don’t like where you are, change it! You are not a tree.” Well this is me changing it, moving in the direction of the path I want to be on.

I was diagnosed with ADHD over a year ago, and while I had unknowingly struggled with the impacts of it my whole life, the knowledge of having it and how to manage it has been overwhelming and downright depressing at times. The diagnosis gave an explanation but it didn’t negate the work it requires to manage it.

Over the last couple of years, I have been in and out of the ring fairly consistently battling depression and anxiety. Most of the time it follows the same pattern of struggling with everyday tasks because of executive dysfunction, becoming increasingly frustrated with my broken brain, and then allowing my entire self to be consumed with self-loathing. It has been an exhausting and exceptionally unhelpful cycle that I am trying to take hold of.

For a very long time I’ve felt stuck, overwhelmed, and as if I am living in a state of reacting rather than responding. It’s been almost embarrassing because as a mom of 4 I’ve felt so unprepared for many parenting challenges and decisions. While I know it is common to feel unprepared for parenting there has been a clear lack of vision and planning regarding approaches to basic parenting tasks such as chores, daily routines, bedtimes. It has felt like chaos and I’ve been too embarrassed, ashamed, and overwhelmed to admit that I am just struggling. 

A mental health podcaster that I enjoy (John Delony) has repeatedly talked about stopping the party, turning the lights on and the music off and asking what are we doing? what am I doing?

And I suppose that is what I am trying to do. I am turning on the lights. In the coming days, months, and years I would like to live with more intentionality, purpose, passion, and gratitude. I have some big goals that I’d like to make progress on, some habits I’d like to break and some other habits I’d like to develop.

 Starting over, or starting fresh, is challenging for anyone and I am certainly no exception. Where do I begin? How do I jump back into this space after so much time has passed and the path feels so littered with failed attempts? Well, I don’t know the exact right answer but I do know that my crippling fears of failure and analysis paralysis have never, not-even-once, done me any favors so I am starting with the guidance of a book I recently finished.

I’ve rambled on long enough in this post and I keep having to update the first line because when I first began writing this it said I turned 35 yesterday and now we are 3 days ago. Tomorrow *fingers crossed* I will share some exercises from a book I recently finished and how I am using them to create a framework for being intentional and accomplishing my goals.

TTFN!
~ Kayla

Writing is the only thing I’ve ever really felt good at. It’s scary to admit that because I immediately wonder if you are thinking how terrible I am at the only thing I’ve ever felt good at. But, so be it. I’ve spent a great deal of my life either, not doing the things I want to, out of fear. Or, carefully constructing myself into something I think most people would find desirable, out of fear.

In her song, “Last Kiss” Taylor Swift sings the lyric, “all that I know, is I don’t know, how to be something you’d miss.” That line has always killed me because I have related to the sentiment too many times.

It is January 22nd, 2023 and I have once again taken up blogging. This has been a sort of hobby of mine for more than a decade. I picked up blogging after I fell in love with a variety of inspiring, creative, aesthetically pleasing blogs. Lifestyle, cooking, photography, travel blogs. You name it, over the years I have probably tried it on for size. I felt capable as a writer but writing never seemed enough. I needed a beautiful space overflowing with inspiration, beautiful pictures, and creativity. The thing is, I am not great at photographing my life or my cooking or my fitness journey. I hate documenting a diy project and my words felt forced. I would pump myself up and just as promptly lose interest and enthusiasm. I’d berate myself for being a terrible failure and remind myself of all my creative and personal shortcomings. I’d stop blogging long enough that it felt uncomfortable to just pop back in and so I’d reinvent myself and pop back in.

I desperately want this to be different, so I’m going to be different. There will be no schedule, no aesthetic focus, no elaborate and expensive projects. Just me, writing whatever words come to mind. For 3 months, I promised my husband and myself, that I would write daily and post what I write at least weekly. The goal being 12 posts by April 22nd and then I will start promoting. So, for the next 3 months, I am going to write my heart out and share as often as I can. I decided to just name each post the date, since seo isn’t a thing until I’m ready to promote.

I am ignoring blog design, page setup, tags and keywords and anything that might distract from the goal, which is to write about my life with as much honesty as I can bear. I hope that if you are reading this you found my blog after I accomplished my goal of posting for 3 months. I hope that you stumbled across a promoted post and have slogged your way from that post through the archives. I hope that you will visit here often and that we will get to know each other.

sincerely, Kayla