Very Best Mama

Three days ago I turned 35.

It might not be a traditionally *milestone* birthday but for me it was a big one. I never really dread my birthday and I was even excited to turn 30 but for some reason 35 had/has been weighing on me. I woke up on the 30th of June closer to 40 than 30 and while there are many things about my life I am so grateful for, there are a lot of areas that are just not what I envisioned or dreamed about.

There is a famous John Piper quote that says, “occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be.” There have been seasons where I really needed that permission and while I think that life can certainly throw curveballs that cause our plans to go off the rails, it is also important to be reflective and honestly assess where you need to grow, or take responsibility.

Another famous quote that comes to mind is from Jim Rohn who once said, “if you don’t like where you are, change it! You are not a tree.” Well this is me changing it, moving in the direction of the path I want to be on.

I was diagnosed with ADHD over a year ago, and while I had unknowingly struggled with the impacts of it my whole life, the knowledge of having it and how to manage it has been overwhelming and downright depressing at times. The diagnosis gave an explanation but it didn’t negate the work it requires to manage it.

Over the last couple of years, I have been in and out of the ring fairly consistently battling depression and anxiety. Most of the time it follows the same pattern of struggling with everyday tasks because of executive dysfunction, becoming increasingly frustrated with my broken brain, and then allowing my entire self to be consumed with self-loathing. It has been an exhausting and exceptionally unhelpful cycle that I am trying to take hold of.

For a very long time I’ve felt stuck, overwhelmed, and as if I am living in a state of reacting rather than responding. It’s been almost embarrassing because as a mom of 4 I’ve felt so unprepared for many parenting challenges and decisions. While I know it is common to feel unprepared for parenting there has been a clear lack of vision and planning regarding approaches to basic parenting tasks such as chores, daily routines, bedtimes. It has felt like chaos and I’ve been too embarrassed, ashamed, and overwhelmed to admit that I am just struggling. 

A mental health podcaster that I enjoy (John Delony) has repeatedly talked about stopping the party, turning the lights on and the music off and asking what are we doing? what am I doing?

And I suppose that is what I am trying to do. I am turning on the lights. In the coming days, months, and years I would like to live with more intentionality, purpose, passion, and gratitude. I have some big goals that I’d like to make progress on, some habits I’d like to break and some other habits I’d like to develop.

 Starting over, or starting fresh, is challenging for anyone and I am certainly no exception. Where do I begin? How do I jump back into this space after so much time has passed and the path feels so littered with failed attempts? Well, I don’t know the exact right answer but I do know that my crippling fears of failure and analysis paralysis have never, not-even-once, done me any favors so I am starting with the guidance of a book I recently finished.

I’ve rambled on long enough in this post and I keep having to update the first line because when I first began writing this it said I turned 35 yesterday and now we are 3 days ago. Tomorrow *fingers crossed* I will share some exercises from a book I recently finished and how I am using them to create a framework for being intentional and accomplishing my goals.

TTFN!
~ Kayla